I'll Love You Forever
by shogi
Summary: [Slight shonen ai: YD] Yzak deals with Dearka's love and tries to accept that someone really cares...


I'll Love You… Forever

SLAM.

There was such a note of finality about the way the door shut that Yzak gasped for breath; they were harsh gulps of air that were almost sobs- but he didn't let them out. He couldn't let them out.

"_Don't push me away like this just 'cause you can't handle it, Yzak." _

The words reverberated inside his head so loudly that at first he thought they had been spoken aloud. He sat upright quickly, glancing around the room, his small hope dying when he saw that he was alone.

"_Are you always going to be alone, then?"_

This time he didn't jump at the voice but recognized it for what it was and answered accordingly.

'But that's how it works, doesn't it? If you can't be together then you have to be alone, right? There are no other options.'

"_Stop lying to yourself. You don't want there to be any other options. I. Love. _You._ Why can't you just at least accept _that_?"_

'But how could he? It didn't make _sense. _It was impossible to even comprehend.'

"_It's not supposed to make _sense_, Yzak. Why do you always have to make everything fit into your little, perfectly-ordered world?" _

Yzak fumed at that memory. Little perfectly-ordered world, indeed. If it was so perfect then why was it falling apart around his ears?

'And it wasn't that it didn't _fit;_ it didn't make enough sense to fit! Argh! How could he do this to him?!'

"_You think this is easy for _me_?! I'm having just as much trouble with it as you are; I'm just not _fighting _it like you are. I'm not so locked up inside that I can't imagine letting anyone else in. You're my best friend, Yzak; I've already let you in. Why can't you let me in, too? What are you so scared of?"_

He wasn't _scared_! How could the bastard even think that was the problem?!

'What is there to be _scared_ of, anyways?'

"_Stop it, Yzak; just… stop it. I'm sorry about this. I had thought that maybe… well, that maybe you'd feel something, too. But I can see that's impossible for you right now. And I'm not stupid enough to think that I can talk you around. But I can see it, you know. I can see _you_; and I can see… Whatever, Yzak, I'm leaving." _

Damn him, why couldn't he have finished that thought before leaving and slamming the door?

…But he already knew.

Somewhere, in some part of his being, he knew what Dearka had been about to say. He could feel it inside of him… and he couldn't deny what it was.

It was a sort of pang, or a click; like that of a lock opening… it was the unlocking of the tightly sealed chest that he harboured in his heart – and it scared him shitless. He'd made those locks so that no one could get in and they'd served him well so far throughout his life. But why weren't they holding now?! Why weren't they holding at this time when he needed them to hold the strongest?!

Oh, why couldn't Dearka have just stayed away?

But he hadn't. And Yzak hadn't been able to say 'no'.

That first intimate night; fueled by alcohol, post-battle relief, and lust; had been… amazing for Yzak. He had never before had such close contact with anyone else and it had been thrilling. It had filled him with such a longing for another's touch that he had not had the strength to refuse when Dearka continued to return.

And then it had gotten out of control.

That entire day had been strange, Dearka had at first seemed entirely too happy when he had greeted him this morning, smiling and laughing; but then there had been an abrupt change in the afternoon where Dearka had seemed unable to acknowledge that Yzak even existed, ignoring him and leaving the room almost immediately after Yzak entered it. And then Dearka had come to his room that night, same as always, but there had been something intensely different about him. Rather than the usual rushed and bruising passion of their many previous encounters, Dearka had instead been slow and gentle. He had caressed and stroked every inch of Yzak's body sensually following his burning hands with the brush of feather-light kisses. Dearka had worshipped his body until Yzak had exploded into a white heaven, gasping and crying out while drowning in the extreme pleasure.

But Dearka had ruined it. He had shattered Yzak's heaven with a single sentence murmured softly into his silver, sweat-soaked hair.

_I'll love you…forever._

Yzak had neither climaxed so hard nor recovered so fast. There had been no post-orgasmic bliss; instead it had been swept away by those four little words.

"_Get out."_

"_Yzak…"_

"_I said, Get. Out."_

"…"

"Now_, Dearka! Get out! Get out! GET OUT!!"_

"_Yzak! Stop it!"_

"_How could you?! How could you say something like that to me?!"_

"_Don't push me away just 'cause you can't handle it, Yzak." _

The resulting argument had ended in Dearka storming from the room, slamming the door with such finality that it had shocked Yzak into replaying the entire conversation over and over inside his head. But there was still one unanswered question. One he had not- could not, even _dare not-_ answer…

"_What are you so scared of?"_

He shuddered helplessly. In the darkness of his room he could admit to the answerless, unassuming ceiling the fears that he thought he had hidden away so well. He had locked them into a dark chest along with the rest of the emotions that were useless to a soldier of ZAFT and the son of Ezalia Joule. That chest, he knew, had been for his protection… protection against the demands of his mother, and his military training… protection against the weakness of being swayed and taken over by his stronger emotions… But mostly it had been protection against other people… people who might demand a place in his heart.

But then there was Dearka.

Good-natured, easy-going, and friendly Dearka. How could he possibly accept that someone like that wanted to give _him_- a cold, temperamental, arrogant bastard- their very heart?

"_Why can't you at least accept _that?_" _

But he couldn't. It was _that_ that made no sense. How could someone even _think_ of giving their heart to one who has no heart? How can they hope that the one they are giving it to will even know how to hold it carefully, gently? The heartless only know how easily the heart can break.

"_Why won't you let me in?"_

He laughed harshly, without humour. How could you let someone in that was already in? Dearka had already pried at the black box that was his heart. Hell, he hadn't just pried but had actually managed to unlock a part of it and had then tried to jump inside. And now he was intent on shoving the whole thing open- exposing it to the sun. A sun that had already found it and was shining bright enough to burn away the dampness...

He knew- of course he knew- that it wasn't a question of _why _anymore… it was more a question of _when_.

_When_ was he going to admit that he had a heart, such as it is, and that it had always been Dearka's?

"_What are you so scared of?"_

He had been scared that someone would dare to love him.

So scared, in fact, that he had immediately locked down his heart in the fear that someone would find it and throw it to the ground. But it _had_ been found and, instead of throwing it away, it was being cherished, held; someone wanted him… someone wanted his heart.

But how could he possibly ask someone to hold his twisted, blackened, sorry excuse for a heart? How could he possibly ask someone to fill up the space left in his chest from giving them his own heart? Wouldn't that be asking too much? Would someone even be willing to try?

"Dearka…_"_

He had to get to Dearka- he had to tell him, show him- that he wanted him too. He needed him. He needed Dearka and no one else.

Rolling quickly out of the bed, he haphazardly grabbed clothes and tugged them on, rushing in his haste to get to Dearka.

He raced through the hallways, heedless to the stares of his crewmates, and banged crazily on Dearka's door.

"Dearka… Dearka…" He was gasping, breathless from running at breakneck speed through cramped corridors and from the tension that hadn't eased from the moment Dearka had left his room earlier. "Elsman! Open this door, now!"

The door flew open and a tanned hand reached out and hauled him heavily through into the room. Yzak gasped again as he was shoved unceremoniously down onto the bed. There wasn't time to catch his breath before a heavy, warm weight landed on top of him.

He laid there, chest heaving, staring into dark violet orbs and couldn't tell whether he was gasping from having the wind knocked out of him or just from the mere presence of the other male… maybe it was both.

Those violet eyes blinked slowly and continued to stare at him and he knew that Dearka was waiting for him to start.

"Dearka, I-I…" He heaved in another deep breath and stuttered to a halt. How was he supposed to go about this?!

"I… Dearka… I-I… Argh! What the hell am I supposed to say?!"

A rumble rattled through his chest and it took him a second to realize that the bastard was _laughing at him!_

"Hey! Knock it off, you idiot! I'm being serious!"

"I-I know," Dearka chuckled, having trouble forming words through his laughter, "That was just… so you that I couldn't help it."

Yzak glared up at the laughing blonde and, determined to show Dearka that he _was_ being serious about this, pulled him down into a kiss that shut the blonde up most effectively.

When they finally pulled apart, weak and breathless, Dearka buried his face in Yzak's neck and whispered, _"So you finally figured it out?"_

Yzak pulled away and fixed his blue eyes onto Dearka's violet ones, trying to convey through them the words he was having trouble voicing aloud.

Dearka smiled. Gazing back into those intensely, dazzling sapphire eyes, he knew-

One day he'd hear those words that were shining so brightly in the other's eyes…

"_I'll love you… forever."_

* * *

_A/N: Heh heh... I got bored of being stuck on my other story so I had to write _something_. Anyways, this is for SlvrSoleAlchmst1 since she has helped me so tremendously much and now I can finally get to work on 'Blissful Unconsciousness'! Whee! Thank you!_


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